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USATSI

Halloween is upon us. And there's nothing nearly as scary as predicting the NFL season. Remember when we all had the Baltimore Ravens pegged as Super Bowl favorites? That was cute. Remember when the Washington Commanders were the belle of the ball? Good times. Truth is, nothing and nobody is safe once the games actually get underway -- not even the "stone-cold locks."

Speaking of stone cold, Halloween seems like the perfect time to do a proper reassessment of which teams are headed for the grave, or primed to send others there. As the chill of the autumn air nips at your coat and the leaves rustle in anticipation of trick-or-treating across the land, we took stock of the scariest teams across the football landscape. 

In doing so, we also created our very own rating system to identify the most beastly of the bunch ... the Halloween Scare-o-Meter:

  • 🎃 = Frighteningly Bad
  • 🎃🎃 = Pleasantly Spooky
  • 🎃🎃🎃 = Downright Fearsome

Does your favorite team make the cut, for better or worse? Lace up your costume, grab an extra Snickers and check it out:

Scarily good: The Lions

Record: 5-2 | Halloween Scare-o-Meter: 🎃🎃🎃

Do these cats ever die? It sure doesn't seem like it. Dan Campbell was supposed to take his lumps this year, remember? Losing both Ben Johnson and Aaron Glenn was supposed to be the wrench that finally broke the perfect marriage of Detroit's glitzy talent and undying aggression. Instead, the Lions are still a juggernaut, overcoming a shuffled O-line to produce one of the NFL's highest-scoring attacks (again). The rival Packers may be a threat, but all those preseason suggestions of the Bears and Vikings also making a play for Motown's throne seem increasingly silly.

Surprisingly scary: The Colts

Record: 7-1 | Halloween Scare-o-Meter: 🎃🎃

Most of us probably didn't even expect the Colts to win seven games all year. Now Indianapolis looks like the locomotive that can't be derailed, with an NFL-best +116 point differential and an MVP-level workhorse in Jonathan Taylor. We can't help but reserve a touch of skepticism regarding Daniel Jones' vault to weekly stability; remember his best Giants campaign, which cruised due to a Saquon Barkley breakout but tumbled apart in the end? Then again, maybe Shane Steichen really has found the perfect battle-refined figurehead for his attack.

Scarily inevitable: The Chiefs

Record: 5-3 | Halloween Scare-o-Meter: 🎃🎃🎃

Kansas City fell flat in Super Bowl LIX, then finally looked out of gas to open this year, leaning almost exclusively on Patrick Mahomes' scrambling during an 0-2 start. Since then, Andy Reid's perennial contender has fully returned to form, if not exceeded the Chiefs' offensive state to end 2024. Mahomes is dealing with utter confidence now that Rashee Rice is back in the fold to supplement a basket full of interchangeable toys, including Xavier Worthy and Marquise Brown. Not so unlike the Eagles who beat them for the last trophy, this unit just knows how to win.

Quietly scary: The Rams

Record: 5-2 | Halloween Scare-o-Meter: 🎃🎃

The NFC West is responsible for an abundance of storylines: Can the 49ers keep hanging around while basically every one of their big names battles serious bruises? Can Sam Darnold sustain his gunslinging for the Seahawks? Can Arizona ever get out of its own way? Lost in the discourse is a true appreciation for what Sean McVay is doing (again) with Matthew Stafford, who's 37 but somehow also the healthiest and most energetic member of an attack that's missed Puka Nacua for stretches. Coupled with a still-ferocious defense led by young talent, this is a title sleeper.

Scarily volatile: The Dolphins

Record: 2-6 | Halloween Scare-o-Meter: 🎃

Is Tua Tagovailoa going to show up dressed as a Pro Bowler with tight spirals, or a dejected captain of a sinking ship? It's the question Miami fans ask themselves each Sunday, as coach Mike McDaniel tries to fend off a potential exit for another week. The back-and-forth is truly whiplash-invoking: Tua can still fire it to his speedy friends like Jaylen Waddle, but he's just as liable to toss three picks (and a head-scratching explanation, for good measure). As long as the stripped-down defense registers as a borderline bottom-five unit, the trouble figures to stick around.

Nightmarishly bad: The Titans

Record: 1-7 | Halloween Scare-o-Meter: 🎃

There's "rebuilding," and there's "listless." Tennessee is showing us all what it means to be the latter. Yes, sometimes it takes a teardown to build up. The problem with the Titans is they're on their third coach and fourth general manager in the last four NFL seasons, including interims. That's nasty. Meanwhile, halfway through his rookie year, No. 1 overall draft pick Cam Ward is better known for lambasting his own franchise's ability to play competitive football than, say, completing passes with any regularity. There is surely light at the end of the tunnel. But this tunnel is a labyrinth.